Who She Used To Be

Sunday evening Wes' dad Paul took Wes and I out for dinner.

We went to this little hole in the wall bar/restaurant in Maplewood--never had been there before. Obviously Wes' parents know me; afterall, Wes & I have been dating for 4 months. I've been at their family gatherings, dinners, slept under their roof, ate their food, done activities with them, etc. I always kind of wondered when the questions about my family were going to arise. I guess in a way I had gotten so accustomed to accepting them as my own family, that it started to bandage the pain from my own family. But whenever I was reminded of my family's reality, a part of me felt ashamed. Not that my family's reality is all my fault, but because here was this family that had accepted me for who I was--opened their home & hearts to me, and loved on me since the the second I met them--no questions asked. Then there was my family; torn apart, hurting, broken, complicated, blended, & facing huge hardships.

Now, don't get me wrong. We all know every family has their issues. Mine just has a little more extreme cases than most.

We started off having general conversation. Small talk about the past week, the "To-Do" list for this coming week, how jobs are going, etc. Then came the question, "So how old were you when your parents divorced?" Paul asked.

I started telling him the general facts; parents divorced when I was 7, mom had us full time while dad had custody rights every Tuesday and every other weekend. Didn't get along with dad until age 18. Went to court my entire adolescent life. Both mom and dad remarried . . yada yada yada.

Then he started asking a few deeper questions--and the topic of my mom got brought up. After I finished explaining the whole story, he asked a question I never had really been asked before.

"So how do you feel about your mom now?" he questioned.

How do I feel about my mom now? I thought to myself, I don't know? How do you feel about someone that was your rock, your role model, your support, your best friend, and your mother for 18 years, then none of those things in a matter of seconds? How do I feel about her now?
Obviously I've thought about this question to myself in my own time--processing is vital. But I've never really been straight out asked that question by someone else. It's a logical question to ask--and for some it may seem like a simple question that should have a simple answer--but that question is nowhere near simple for me and the answer definitely has nothing to do with simplicity.

"I miss her . . but I miss who she used to be." I paused for a second nearly choking on my words, "She's become someone she's not. So in a way . . it's like she's dead."

I've brought up this very thing to my therapist before. "It just feels like she's dead," I said. And her response while looking at me with the most sympathetic and meaningful eyes replied, "Well, I'm sure in a way it almost would be easier if she were dead. Not that you want her dead, but I'm sure it would be easier than dealing with this constant rejection for a year and a half straight day in and day out."

Tears streamed down my face. That was exactly it. Exactly.

I would never wish my mom dead. I would never wish harm on or to her. But sometimes the pain of knowing she's alive and very well could have a relationship with me or at least the decency to talk to me on the phone, but instead she blatantly chooses not to? Is a pain that cannot be described. Especially when we once were inseparably close. Then comes the feeling that I knew all too well in my childhood--the feeling of having absolutely no control.

To this day, I have nightmares where there are awful situations that I cannot control. People dying, getting raped, tortured, my family in pain, etc. I wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes kicking or crying. And even though they are just dreams, they still hold the same general idea that my reality holds as well--no control.

Yes, I have control over how I treat things. I have control over my thoughts. I have control over my actions. I have control in those senses--but I don't have control over my relationship with my mom. And sometimes that reality hits me like a bus and it feels like I got the wind knocked out of me.

I call.
I leave messages.
I try and try and try.

Maybe this time she'll answer. As the phone rings, and rings, and rings. Until the dreaded and all too familiar "You have reached the voicemail box of 'Julie' *said in her voice*." Just that small excerpt "Julie" in her own voice. Sometimes that simple "Julie" gives me comfort, and sometimes it makes me want to chuck my phone at the wall in frustration, anger, and pain.

Then occasionally a few minutes later I'll get a text explaining that she won't talk to me on the phone.

And this roller coaster continues. There's days where I'm doing great, then there's others where I'm not doing so great. There's days where I accept it for what it is, and there's days where I suffer in pain because this isn't how things should be.

Whenever "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane comes on.
Whenever I come across a picture of us.
Whenever I come across a video of us.
Whenever an inside joke that we shared comes to mind.
Whenever I go grocery shopping.
Whenever I smell certain perfumes.
She comes to mind.

So here I am, expected to deal with the aftermath that this all leaves me with. Frankly, what does "deal with it" entail? What does that even mean? Do I say that with the predisposition that "deal with it" means that it is possible for it all to disappear? Do I expect myself to forever be normal about it? I don't know. I'm trying to figure that out.

As I do that, I have committed myself to allowing this to make me stronger--to learn from it and allow it to build me up rather than build me down overall. This is no "normal" circumstance, I'm very well aware of that. But I refuse to allow that (or any other reason for that matter) be an excuse to use the "victim" card.

I realize this roller coaster is never going to stop (unless by some miracle, the exact miracle I cling onto with hope and pray for perseveringly that things will be restored, renewed, and back to good). I'll always be reminded of her. I'll always miss her. I'll always long for her. But it's the "her" that she is no more. And for that, I am mourning a loss.

"Until death do us part."

Irreconcilable differences.

These two words make me cringe. How many divorces have you heard of or seen that the reason therefor being is "irreconcilable differences"? Which brings me to how the meaning of marriage has been demolished in our day of age for the most part.
"It just didn't work out.", "We became two different people.", "We fell out of love.", etc., are all examples of reasoning we hear for divorce. Every one has their views and opinions--this is mine.

To me, marriage is forever. The whole premise of it is standing in front of God, family, friends, (whomever it may be) and promising to spend the rest of your life with someone. The rest of your life. It is the unification of two people becoming one--two souls joining together in matrimony and promising to love each other, support each other, encourage each other, and be there for each other for the rest of their lives; "until death do us part."

I hear stories of divorce and my heart breaks, no matter what the circumstance. Personally, my parents divorced when I was 7, my brother Tommy was 5, and my brother Alex was 1. The custody was figured that my dad would have us every Tuesday night and every other weekend. Before I knew it things got messy. Cops were involved, Guardian Ad Litems were involved, and before I knew it, I felt like I was just an item getting tossed around. I was confused--on one side I heard one thing, and on the other I heard something completely different. There are plenty of situations in my childhood that weren't in any way ideal, but that I had to put up with.

I grew up pretty much despising my dad. What I have made of it now is that my mom and dad both hurt each other in their marriage. When they chose to get divorced, the only way they knew how to get back at each other was to use us--but I don't think they even realized how it affected us (until lately. My dad acknowledged and apologized for his part. So thankful for that!)

I've obviously never been married, but what I have gathered from marriages around me and wisdom from others is that marriage is hard no matter what. It's not always peachy keen and the "honeymoon phase". There's tough times--really tough times. And it can be even tougher when children are involved because on one hand you need to deal with your marriage, but on the other, you don't want to bring the kids into it and get them involved. To me, all that it comes down to is that both parties are in it for the long haul. That no matter what, they stick to their vows of being there for one another no matter what, "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as sorrow". All it takes is for both sides to want to make it happen. On one hand, I can understand few circumstances for divorce if for example someone is in harm (i.e. abuse that is not getting helped or changed, etc). But "irreconcilable differences" is no excuse for me for divorce. Yeah, there's going to be rough times in your marriage. Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse offends you. Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse is going through a "season". Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse disappoints you. Yes, there's going to be some growing and changing in your spouse as they go through the journey of life. But as their spouse, I believe you are called to love them through it.

I am no one to judge any one's marriage or relationship--not even really my own parents. However, my point in this is to share my feelings coming from the child of a divorced couple. Here are my thoughts/advice:

1. No matter what your feelings towards your ex, do not let those be portrayed to your children. No matter what your spouse did, no matter how much you despise them, do not express that to your kids. You are both still their parents. Pulling them into your personal experiences with your ex and shadowing it onto them is going to confuse them and make things extremely rough. They will be extremely confused, they won't know what to think or feel, and growing up is hard enough. No matter what, your children deserve the chance to have a good and healthy relationship with both you and your ex, despite your experiences with your ex. Keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.

2. Try and deal with things outside of court.Literally my entire life from the time my parents were divorced until the day I turned 18, we were always going to court. There was always a next court date set. The stack of papers for our case was obnoxious. And the worst part is I never had a say in what happened. It was the most out of control feeling I've ever had--I was very aware of the fact that I had no control over what the judge ordered. I felt like my life was just a stack of papers in the hands of a stranger I had never met or knew. My future and life was in the hands of someone that didn't even know me. As a child, it's a very fearful feeling. Hearing "The judge ordered _______________________." was mainly what my childhood consisted of. I dreaded every court date in fear of what would happen. Counseling was ordered, visitation was ordered, child support, etc. It was a mess, and yet again, no child needs that.

3. Realize that the divorce is more than likely harder on the kids than anyone else involved.
This is anyone else including you and your ex. To me, marriage and family is designed so that a man and a woman get married, have kids, and raise the family together. Marriage wasn't designed so that a man and a woman be separated and raise the family from two opposing positions. But if for whatever reason you are divorced, keep in the front of your mind how everything affects your kids. From your decisions, to your attitude, to how you handle things, to how they need affirmation. I honestly don't think a lot of divorced parents realize how the divorce really affects their kids these days.

4. Your kids are now your number one priority.
Make them know it. When it's your time with them, love on them as much as you can. Pour into them, affirm them, encourage them, and help them feel empowered. Listen to them when they need to and do your best to let them know they are welcome to come to you with anything. Kids need to know their parents will be there for them no matter what and will never leave them nor reject them. Do your best to have a healthy relationship with your kids. I can imagine it's a hard thing when you go from being married with kids to all of a sudden being single again and having visitation with your kids. I can imagine the balance in that, getting back on your feet, figuring out where you go from "there", while juggling your kids at the same time can be very difficult--all you can do is try your best.

Now saying all that, my situation still right now with my parents is not exactly what I would like it to be right now. Thankfully, I have a restored relationship with my father (which I have talked about in previous posts). I cannot express how thankful I am for that. However, on the flip side, my relationship with my mom is in a very horrible place right now and has been for a year and a half. That's a whole different story, but just goes to show that sometimes life throws really crappy things your way. And some of the time it's not exactly what you'd like certain situations in your life to be, but all you can do is do your part in it, and hope and pray for the rest. That is what I do day in and day out.

Again, I can't judge any marriage, relationship, divorce, etc. These are just my thoughts coming from the situation I have. Take them for what it's worth.

Here's to living the destined life..

T-Money's 17th Birthday

Tommers,

Seventeen years. Seventeen years of a bond that I don't know that I can explain fully.

We've been through a lot in just a mere 17 years together. We've dealt with a lot of hardship, pain, heartache, adversities, trials, as well as joyful memories, tons of laughter, and countless inside jokes. The past 17 years have brought us on a journey both together and apart that has had a lot of ups and downs--more than "the norm", I'd say.

I sit here thinking about growing up with you.
Nap times when we'd stay up playing games and talking.
Waking up, getting our "snacky cereal" and turning on Disney Channel until that dreaded day where mom canceled the cable service.
Playing restaurant and making "noodles cheese and butter".
Wearing our wicked awesome flip glasses/sunglasses.
Eating grapefruit on the porch in Florida.
Building forts.
Playing in the snow.
Comforting each other when one of us was in trouble.
Halftime shows.
Inside jokes & laughing hysterically.
And my God, still to this day no one has the ability to make me laugh like you do.

It's cliche but true to say that I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of how you've turned out.
I'm proud of how you've not allowed the adversities you've faced in life bring you down, but instead make you a stronger and better person.
I'm proud of how driven and accomplished you are.
I'm proud of the way you choose to live your life & the way you view things.
You've inspired me in ways I cannot even put into words. You've been my rock and someone to always count on at every point in my life. I honestly don't know what my life would have been like without you. Through everything we've been through, you've been the one to inspire me to keep pushing through. Through all the years of being best friends, brother & sister, "Frick & Frack"--our bond has not only never faded, but only grown stronger. That is something that I have always and will always cherish.

I love you so much, Tommy.
Thank you for everything in the past 17 years.
Being your sister has been one of the highest and utmost blessings in my life hands down.

365 Challenge

This Christmas, with the help of my Dad & Step-Mom (along with my own savings), I purchased a Canon 3ti. I've had my Pentax 35 mm for 5 years now and my passion for photography just continued to grow rapidly. This is the first DSLR I have owned, and I cannot tell you how much I already appreciate it. To be able to express myself and use my giftings whenever I want is one of the most freeing and liberating feelings. I finally have the resource I need.

Upon getting my T3i, I decided to start the New Year off with doing a 365 challenge. I want to push & challenge myself. I want to document what happens in my personal life as well as others around me and the rest of the world. I want to document history. I want to look back on the year of photos and have hundreds of memories--painful, joyful, heavy, light--as well as see how the artist and photographer in my spirit grows.

Here's to kicking off a year and journey of photos and the beginning of a whole new world.

Humbling Holiday

"In quietness and confidence is your strength."
~Isaiah 30:15

"'Don’t be afraid, Mary,' the angel told her, 'for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus.'"
~Luke 1:30-31

Today, I am humbled by the mere fact of putting myself in Mary's position. Theologians figure that Mary was anywhere from 14-16 years old when she found she was going to be giving birth to Jesus. I sat this morning and really soaked that in. I can't even fathom being my age, let alone years younger, and being told by an angel that I was going to be giving birth to the Son of God.

I can't even imagine what Mary went through--mentally with herself, having to deal with others' perceptions, having to explain to others how she was a virgin, yet pregnant. Something that I've had to work on myself is the feeling of needing to defend myself. I've found myself in plenty of situations where I am judged, people talk, people ask questions upon questions, people make assumptions, etc. Then it has just been natural for me to feel the need to almost put up my shield, and explain and defend myself. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the past year is that God is my one and only defender. "In quietness and confidence shall be my strength", just as Isaiah 30:15 says. The position that Mary was put in was the exact thing that has inspired me to trust God to be my defender and a voice of truth and righteousness for me. It has given me a sense of peace that I have never experienced before.

The other thing that completely humbled me was just the fact of being told that you were going to give birth to the Son of God. I mean really, can you imagine an angel appearing to you and telling "Don't be afraid, God has found favor in you. You will conceive and give birth to the Son of God and name Him Jesus." . . NO PRESSURE! To me, that is just the prime definition of "honor". I could not imagine being the one chosen to give birth to the Son of God--how humbling.

This Christmas, I pray that you are filled with gratitude, joy, love, and this bountiful experience of being humbled.

Merry Christmas!

Breaking

Sometimes life just sucks.
And there’s heaviness everywhere you look.
Everywhere—people are broken, sick, dying, having relationship issues, going to treatment, dealing with an alcoholic family member, getting abused by their spouse, etc.
This world is so broken.
And there’s times where I just have my “broken moments”.
I stuff,
stuff,
stuff.
And the heaviness gets deep,
high,
thick.
And then I just break.

Have you ever watched yourself cry in the mirror?
Just sat there, just you and the mirror, and really stared into your eyes?
Studied the expressions on your face?
Watch the corner of your mouth curl as your bottom lip quivers.
Watch the pain seep out of your eyes and down your cheeks.
Tears making lines down your fragile face as if making a path of all the built up crap.
The tears almost stain your face like a tattoo on your skin.
Reminding you of where you’ve been and where it’s gotten you to.
And they just flow,
and run.
And you sit there, watching yourself, and a million things come to mind.
First pity.
You pathetic thing, look at you!
Allowing yourself to break like this.
Then frustration.
How the Hell did you let yourself open a door to even the opportunity of this pain to happen?
Then finally; sympathy.
That stuff was building up for too long.
You needed to break.
And yeah, it hurts like a mother.
But my gosh, you needed to break.

Questions/Prayer Requests

I created a Formspring for all of you who would like to contact me with questions/prayer requests/etc. You can do it anonymously if you would like.

http://www.formspring.me/morganalexisc