Irreconcilable differences.
These two words make me cringe. How many divorces have you heard of or seen that the reason therefor being is "irreconcilable differences"? Which brings me to how the meaning of marriage has been demolished in our day of age for the most part.
"It just didn't work out.", "We became two different people.", "We fell out of love.", etc., are all examples of reasoning we hear for divorce. Every one has their views and opinions--this is mine.
To me, marriage is forever. The whole premise of it is standing in front of God, family, friends, (whomever it may be) and promising to spend the rest of your life with someone. The rest of your life. It is the unification of two people becoming one--two souls joining together in matrimony and promising to love each other, support each other, encourage each other, and be there for each other for the rest of their lives; "until death do us part."
I hear stories of divorce and my heart breaks, no matter what the circumstance. Personally, my parents divorced when I was 7, my brother Tommy was 5, and my brother Alex was 1. The custody was figured that my dad would have us every Tuesday night and every other weekend. Before I knew it things got messy. Cops were involved, Guardian Ad Litems were involved, and before I knew it, I felt like I was just an item getting tossed around. I was confused--on one side I heard one thing, and on the other I heard something completely different. There are plenty of situations in my childhood that weren't in any way ideal, but that I had to put up with.
I grew up pretty much despising my dad. What I have made of it now is that my mom and dad both hurt each other in their marriage. When they chose to get divorced, the only way they knew how to get back at each other was to use us--but I don't think they even realized how it affected us (until lately. My dad acknowledged and apologized for his part. So thankful for that!)
I've obviously never been married, but what I have gathered from marriages around me and wisdom from others is that marriage is hard no matter what. It's not always peachy keen and the "honeymoon phase". There's tough times--really tough times. And it can be even tougher when children are involved because on one hand you need to deal with your marriage, but on the other, you don't want to bring the kids into it and get them involved. To me, all that it comes down to is that both parties are in it for the long haul. That no matter what, they stick to their vows of being there for one another no matter what, "in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as sorrow". All it takes is for both sides to want to make it happen. On one hand, I can understand few circumstances for divorce if for example someone is in harm (i.e. abuse that is not getting helped or changed, etc). But "irreconcilable differences" is no excuse for me for divorce. Yeah, there's going to be rough times in your marriage. Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse offends you. Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse is going through a "season". Yes, there's going to be times where your spouse disappoints you. Yes, there's going to be some growing and changing in your spouse as they go through the journey of life. But as their spouse, I believe you are called to love them through it.
I am no one to judge any one's marriage or relationship--not even really my own parents. However, my point in this is to share my feelings coming from the child of a divorced couple. Here are my thoughts/advice:
1. No matter what your feelings towards your ex, do not let those be portrayed to your children. No matter what your spouse did, no matter how much you despise them, do not express that to your kids. You are both still their parents. Pulling them into your personal experiences with your ex and shadowing it onto them is going to confuse them and make things extremely rough. They will be extremely confused, they won't know what to think or feel, and growing up is hard enough. No matter what, your children deserve the chance to have a good and healthy relationship with both you and your ex, despite your experiences with your ex. Keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself.
2. Try and deal with things outside of court.Literally my entire life from the time my parents were divorced until the day I turned 18, we were always going to court. There was always a next court date set. The stack of papers for our case was obnoxious. And the worst part is I never had a say in what happened. It was the most out of control feeling I've ever had--I was very aware of the fact that I had no control over what the judge ordered. I felt like my life was just a stack of papers in the hands of a stranger I had never met or knew. My future and life was in the hands of someone that didn't even know me. As a child, it's a very fearful feeling. Hearing "The judge ordered _______________________." was mainly what my childhood consisted of. I dreaded every court date in fear of what would happen. Counseling was ordered, visitation was ordered, child support, etc. It was a mess, and yet again, no child needs that.
3. Realize that the divorce is more than likely harder on the kids than anyone else involved.
This is anyone else including you and your ex. To me, marriage and family is designed so that a man and a woman get married, have kids, and raise the family together. Marriage wasn't designed so that a man and a woman be separated and raise the family from two opposing positions. But if for whatever reason you are divorced, keep in the front of your mind how everything affects your kids. From your decisions, to your attitude, to how you handle things, to how they need affirmation. I honestly don't think a lot of divorced parents realize how the divorce really affects their kids these days.
4. Your kids are now your number one priority.
Make them know it. When it's your time with them, love on them as much as you can. Pour into them, affirm them, encourage them, and help them feel empowered. Listen to them when they need to and do your best to let them know they are welcome to come to you with anything. Kids need to know their parents will be there for them no matter what and will never leave them nor reject them. Do your best to have a healthy relationship with your kids. I can imagine it's a hard thing when you go from being married with kids to all of a sudden being single again and having visitation with your kids. I can imagine the balance in that, getting back on your feet, figuring out where you go from "there", while juggling your kids at the same time can be very difficult--all you can do is try your best.
Now saying all that, my situation still right now with my parents is not exactly what I would like it to be right now. Thankfully, I have a restored relationship with my father (which I have talked about in previous posts). I cannot express how thankful I am for that. However, on the flip side, my relationship with my mom is in a very horrible place right now and has been for a year and a half. That's a whole different story, but just goes to show that sometimes life throws really crappy things your way. And some of the time it's not exactly what you'd like certain situations in your life to be, but all you can do is do your part in it, and hope and pray for the rest. That is what I do day in and day out.
Again, I can't judge any marriage, relationship, divorce, etc. These are just my thoughts coming from the situation I have. Take them for what it's worth.
Here's to living the destined life..
