A Daughter's Heart

This picture gives me mixed emotions and today was definitely an interesting day.

My mom taught me so much growing up. I remember asking her if she ever thought of having an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me at the mere age of 18 and she responded with a confident "Not once."

My mom gave up going to college, having the "normal" life, having a paying job, and following her dreams to raise me in the home she believed I deserved. She sacrificed things for me on a daily basis, she put me before herself, and she always loved me. She raised me in a Godly home, immersing me in God's love and word on a daily basis. She encouraged me in the most precious ways. She challenged me in the most loving ways. She left me notes in my lunch box. She showed up at every dance recital. She showed up at every school event. She went on school field trips when she could. She supported the desires and dreams of my heart. She taught me to persevere. She taught me to stay strong. She taught me to anchor myself in the Lord so that the ways of this world could not tear me down. She cleaned up my wounds, and let me stay up an extra 15 minutes if I was being good that day. She listened to me spill my heart out as I cried on her shoulder and she fed me chocolate. She not only brought me into this world, but taught me how to live a life worth living.

Out of all the things my mom taught me growing up, the best thing I believe was that she taught me what a real mother's love was like. The love I have felt from my mom has been the closest thing I can describe to God's love for us--unconditional, never ending, grace-covering, immense multitude, divine love.

This year is different than most.
She's not here.
I'm not there.
We're not together.
We're not even really on speaking terms.
And she's not the same person.

But no matter how different this year is.
No matter where she is.
No matter where I am.
No matter if we're together or not.
No matter if we're not even speaking.
No matter if she's lost and confused.
My love as her daughter will never change.

Mom,
I pray for you daily. And even if you don't read this or can't hear me, I'm here--1009.7 miles away--sitting at this desk in my sweatpants and sweatshirt, my toes bitter cold as always, and tears streaming down my face.

You're my mom, and I'm never giving up on you.



Here's to living the destined life..